Well, at the suggestion of my blog-buddy Lemon, I am going to wax eloquent (ok...probably choppy and out of order) about my ex. Here we go!
There was a girl. There was a boy. They fell in love (and fell in bed) and then decided it was a good idea to get married. Along came a kid or two or three, and one with disabilities (HELP...someone stop me...I AM RHYMING!)
My ex and I were soul mates. I truly believe that. Sure we had some key differences (religion, upbringing, and how we approached the world) but the core of our souls...they were a match. We were happy for a long time, and made eachother laugh like crazy and could fall asleep in eachothers arms and sleep that way all night. Being together was fun, easy and we were happy.
Then we had kids. NOW..do not get me wrong...because I LOVE my kids... but having them changes a lot. I have to admit, at first it was all fun and an adventure (watch out for boys in diapers...they have amazing aim!) but it started an almost imperceptable shift in our relationship. I have to admit, at times, I was a little jealous of how much my wife loved the baby (and others to follow) but I understood it. I guess I was just used to being her one and only and along comes a lump of cute little giggly baby-ness and now I have to share...let alone struggle for any attention.
As many of you surely know, it eventually evens out and you get into the swing of things and become a family and life is good again. But then you have one more and one more. Now you are lucky to even be looked at by your wife and usually it is in a plea for help with the kids. We tried to go out and leave the kids with sitters or family but that was rare. We still had the token relations if you know what I mean...and they were great (they always were with us) but this too fell to the wayside with all the demands of the kids and life.
NOW...add to the the pressure of finding out that one of your kids is just a little different. Now realize that he is VERY different and autistic and now he needs a lot of extra care and attention. Add to this a whirlwind of doctors, therapists, meetings with schools and whatnot...all while still trying to lead a "normal" life.....do you see where we are heading.
It is the same old story...we drifted apart. Not because of a lack of love...but a lack of time. Time for eachother. Time alone. Time to remember why we fell in love. Yes, there have been times I felt like I hated her (esp. during the divorce) but I think back now and realize I was angry at the love that was lost (or being ignored thru the anger) and I was angry because I gave up. I took it out on her that we stopped trying. I have to admit...I played the blame game. It was easy to blame her. SHE stopped paying attention to me. SHE stopped making me feel loved. SHE took me for granted. SHE only wanted me around to be Dad and SHE did not want me as a lover anymore. I was so very angry and rejected.
But.....
Then I stopped one day not to long ago, and I had an epiphany. *I* stopped paying attention to her. *I* did not try anymore to make her feel loved. *I* stopped thinking of her as my lover and she was the Mother of My Children. I rejected her and made her angry. I realized that BOTH of us got lost in the every day business of being parents and a family and lost US!
Why did I not try harder to show her I cared? Why did I not try harder to let her know I still loved her more than words? Why did I not try harder to make love to her whenever we had a moment? Why did I not buy her flowers or a single rose...just because. Why didn't I tell her every day how amazing I thought she was for being such a great Mom and for how hard she fought for our son to get everything he needed?? WHY DID I STOP TRYING????????
I wonder if I will ever stop regretting not trying. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I tried again. Does she wonder too? There are those moments when she seems to reach out to me and I wonder....is there hope after all this time? Then...my stubborn male mind kicks in and says..."Don't try it Jack. Better to leave things alone. Don't put yourself out there to get chopped down man!"
*SIGH*.......... Some say it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I hate that bastard that said they. He was full of shit!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The lashing may now begin!
OK...OK...I have been a bad blogger! Let the beatings now begin!
I admit it...I let my blog fall to the wayside this summer.
Well, I have to say that in the big scheme of things, that while I sometimes have a lot to share, it is often hard to find the time (and sometimes energy) to get online and post.
UPDATE:
We are in the backend of summer here. It has been a lot of fun for me. I have saved up a bit of vacation and sick days, and cashed those puppies in for some extra time with my kids so we could spend more time together. The old saying is true, and you really have to appreciate the time with your kids while they are still young. I have gotten to spend some great times with the kids this summer (and HEY! My kid with ASD is talking so much more! God...I can not be happier to have been there when THAT started happening!!)
My oldest: He has gotten into the full fledged independent thing and wants to "hang out with the guys" all the time. The guys being a bunch of other boys that all like to go to the pool, dig up various creatures and bugs and use them for pranks (the Princess has been the unhappy victim to more than one creepy-crawly) and also to play ball and Xbox. You can imagine that he has been happier than a pig in S&%t with having all this time this summer! Awww...to be young!
My middle: Wow...what can I say...it is AMAZING to hear your kid talk when you wait SO long for it! He is actually putting some words together and getting his wants and needs across and the look of pride on his face when WE understand HIM...WOW!! I know some parents of "normal" kids may not get this, but this has been an amazing thing. I have spent MANY hours this summer working on his words with him and to see it pay off... well, there is no amount of money in the world that can replace that!
The Princess: Well, she has actually wanted MORE time with Dad this summer. She is my little sidekick and wants me to do everything with her. I must admit that I have been in attendence at more than one Tea Party and played with dolls this summer (and have to admit....it was fun!) It amazes me how nurturing girls are at such a young age. It makes me believe that it really is a built in system.
The Ex: Well, we got past the issues about Disney and time off of school...etc. I think we both harbor some resentment towards eachother but the other problem is that (without getting too far into it) we both ended things because we had drifted apart but there was still love there. This is hard for me to admit, because let's face it, it is easier to just say you hate the old ball and chain, but I must admit that I still loved her and did not allow myself to feel it (it was easier to convince myself that it was dead and gone) and I have wondered, on more than one occasion if we had not been so rash about the decision to divorce, if I had not left, if I had fought to try, IF we would have worked it out. *SIGH* I guess we will never know. Regrets suck!
ANYWAY... as I said... I took extra time off this summer and have just filled it to the brim with my kids. I will NEVER forget this summer. I will never forget the laughs, the picnics, the trips to fun places, and the hugs at the end of the days. God...I am going to miss those when we go back to the school year schedule. I could not make it without seeing my kids! They are growing and changing so fast and I can not imagine missing any more than I already do! (Ok...I know...too schmaltzy...but it is true.)
I will admit one thing I will NOT miss.... SAND IN LAUNDRY!! LOL! These kids get sand in clothes that you never find until it is a mess in the laundry room! Ok...so I have one thing I will gladly see go at the end of summer! There ya go!
I admit it...I let my blog fall to the wayside this summer.
Well, I have to say that in the big scheme of things, that while I sometimes have a lot to share, it is often hard to find the time (and sometimes energy) to get online and post.
UPDATE:
We are in the backend of summer here. It has been a lot of fun for me. I have saved up a bit of vacation and sick days, and cashed those puppies in for some extra time with my kids so we could spend more time together. The old saying is true, and you really have to appreciate the time with your kids while they are still young. I have gotten to spend some great times with the kids this summer (and HEY! My kid with ASD is talking so much more! God...I can not be happier to have been there when THAT started happening!!)
My oldest: He has gotten into the full fledged independent thing and wants to "hang out with the guys" all the time. The guys being a bunch of other boys that all like to go to the pool, dig up various creatures and bugs and use them for pranks (the Princess has been the unhappy victim to more than one creepy-crawly) and also to play ball and Xbox. You can imagine that he has been happier than a pig in S&%t with having all this time this summer! Awww...to be young!
My middle: Wow...what can I say...it is AMAZING to hear your kid talk when you wait SO long for it! He is actually putting some words together and getting his wants and needs across and the look of pride on his face when WE understand HIM...WOW!! I know some parents of "normal" kids may not get this, but this has been an amazing thing. I have spent MANY hours this summer working on his words with him and to see it pay off... well, there is no amount of money in the world that can replace that!
The Princess: Well, she has actually wanted MORE time with Dad this summer. She is my little sidekick and wants me to do everything with her. I must admit that I have been in attendence at more than one Tea Party and played with dolls this summer (and have to admit....it was fun!) It amazes me how nurturing girls are at such a young age. It makes me believe that it really is a built in system.
The Ex: Well, we got past the issues about Disney and time off of school...etc. I think we both harbor some resentment towards eachother but the other problem is that (without getting too far into it) we both ended things because we had drifted apart but there was still love there. This is hard for me to admit, because let's face it, it is easier to just say you hate the old ball and chain, but I must admit that I still loved her and did not allow myself to feel it (it was easier to convince myself that it was dead and gone) and I have wondered, on more than one occasion if we had not been so rash about the decision to divorce, if I had not left, if I had fought to try, IF we would have worked it out. *SIGH* I guess we will never know. Regrets suck!
ANYWAY... as I said... I took extra time off this summer and have just filled it to the brim with my kids. I will NEVER forget this summer. I will never forget the laughs, the picnics, the trips to fun places, and the hugs at the end of the days. God...I am going to miss those when we go back to the school year schedule. I could not make it without seeing my kids! They are growing and changing so fast and I can not imagine missing any more than I already do! (Ok...I know...too schmaltzy...but it is true.)
I will admit one thing I will NOT miss.... SAND IN LAUNDRY!! LOL! These kids get sand in clothes that you never find until it is a mess in the laundry room! Ok...so I have one thing I will gladly see go at the end of summer! There ya go!
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