When all else fails...disappear...for a while

I am not sure if I have one reader or more than one, but either way...my apologies for disappearing. I have been thru some ups and downs as of late and it was just easier to sit back, regroup and re-evaluate. Unfortunately, I could not wrap my head around the whole situation enough to actually write about it. So much is so very complicated and for a while, it was easier to just mull it over and just catch up on the reading of others blogs and to get my head on straight.

SO...here is is nearly two months later. Time flies as they say.

I guess I will start of slowly and give a bit of what I have been dealing with. 

For quite some time, I have had to fight the difficult and somewhat surreal battle of being divorced. There are times when things seemed to be on the mend and the hope of being able to be around eachother without security forces was in sight.  Then there were other times that it has felt as if we were not only back to square 1 but oh so far behind it.

I have found that even when the courts get involved and a marriage ends, there is no such thing as being totally divorced from that person when kids are involved. Sure...we move on with other relationships, and we each find a way to parent the kids without the other, but you are never totally rid of them. Whether you disagree on school decisions, holidays, doctors, child support or when it is best to call, you will have to deal with that other person for the long haul. You created human beings together and therefore are irrevocably tied to one another...like it or not. You see your old spouse in the children and it evokes both happiness at the rememberance of the good times and sadness and even anger at the bad. It is an odd feeling to look at your child, to love them with all you have and yet regret seeing that other person staring back out at you in their features, like their eyes or their smile...etc.

I have found that the more I learn about my Ex the more I dislike the old ball and chain. It seems that as of late, I can not remember one single reason why I ever felt like the sun and moon hung over this person! How their ability to make me laugh fixed so much for so long (and then their ability to break my heart has destroyed most of those feelings).

I am angry again. I am deeply angry. Just when I thought I had found the way thru and forgiven and found peace....the other half did something that I never thought they would and now I feel betrayed and disappointed beyond belief. It shakes you to your core when you spend YEARS with someone who you thought you knew was incapable of such behaviors, only to realize...you did not know this person at all. 

I have read other blogs as of late about forgiveness and giving and it made me wonder something. WHAT IF the other person does not ask for the forgiveness? What if the other person is just happy to treat the other like crap and think that it is ok? What if the other person is so good about preaching about doing the right things but does not live by that word? What do you do with people who say they have given forgiveness but it is not really in their hearts and just a way to act like they are doing the right thing (when deep down...they are still just as angry and vindictive and there truly is not ANY forgiveness)?? What if you try and try to make this work and try to get the other person to do the right thing...and all they do is throw it in your face that they will do what they feel like...damned the consequences to everyone...including the kids?? What do you do when the other person is totally self centered and does not see past their own desires?

I do not think my old battleaxe is ever going to do what is right and therefore...where do you go from here???